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Cyprus Internet Directory [ Diary by Victoria Crighton ]

Diary by Victoria Crighton

Faith in wedding plans beginning to ebb

We were at the beach last weekend with a friend and decided to pop into the taverna we’re getting married in to have a beer and finalise a few things. Oh dear. I wish we hadn’t now. What little confidence I had in Lambros has completely disappeared. It was a bit of a disaster.

He joined us at our table and I could see from my friend’s expression that she was mesmerised by his sartorial elegance. Having met him five or six times now I was pretty used to his ‘informal style’ but I have to say, he excelled himself last week. Always rather a rotund figure, he’d put on even more weight since our last visit. Despite this, he had decided to try to squeeze himself into a pink shirt that probably hadn’t come close to fitting him since adolescence and goodness knows how, but he had managed to do up one recalcitrant button beneath his magnificent man-boobs. This resulted in a quite spectacular cleavage that left me feeling rather inadequate. We were all transfixed. I have mentioned his speech impediment in a previous diary but I spared you the details of the reason. I shall not be so kind this time. When he talks he doesn’t appear to swallow in between words or sentences and this has the unfortunate consequence of producing an excess of saliva. Undeterred he will continue his conversation until gradually it sounds like he is talking with his head submerged in a bucket of water. Apart from being unable to understand half the words he is saying, you also have to duck and dive to avoid the bullets of spittle that spray forth. It is a rather unpleasant experience as I’m sure you can imagine. Anyway, it turns out that was the least of our problems with him.

In a previous visit he had mentioned the fact that he had hosted many ‘British weddings’ so knew exactly what we would like – whatever that means. Apparently he has an attic filled with decorations and he was keen to show us the assortment of artificial flowers sitting gathering dust there. LB told him that while that was very kind, we knew exactly how we would like the tables to be decorated and said that ‘Victoria would look after flowers and tables’. At this point Lambros turned to my friend Kristina and started enthusiastically describing the various tablecloths and ornaments he had stored in the attic. Despite having met him several times he had absolutely no clue who I was and assumed LB was marrying Kristina. That was when any faith I may have had in him began to ebb.

Once our eyes and ears had adjusted to Lambros, we were able to take in the rest of our surroundings. Bloody hell. He had clearly done some renovation work since we had last been there. One part of the taverna – the prettiest part – was white with blue window frames the last time we saw it. That was until Lambros got hold of it with a paintbrush and an assortment of shades of brown emulsion. Good grief. Clearly a white wall was far too simple (or tasteful) so he had decided to paint fake stones onto it. Utterly hideous. The bar area hadn’t escaped Lambros’ attention either and was now festooned with quite astonishingly badly painted murals of amphora, gourds and limbless statues. Mistaking our unconcealed incredulity for admiration, he turned to LB and said rather apologetically, ‘I have many more changes planned but I don’t think they will be ready in time for next week’. LB asked him the significance of next week and Lambros looked a bit confused and said ‘but that’s when you’re getting married’. When LB told him we were getting married on July 5 Lambros looked somewhat flummoxed and the spittle bombs increased as he stuttered and spluttered while trying to explain that yes, of course it was the fifth, he was just momentarily confused. That was when any faith LB had in him began to ebb.

So, as if it was the first time we had met him, we went over everything again, in detail. Date, time, numbers, menu, wine list, agreed price etc etc. LB suggested we come to the taverna at half ten in the morning on the 5th on the pretext that we decorate the place (and ensure no errant plastic roses had made their way onto the tables) but really it was so that if Lambros had forgotten again, we’d have time to go to a supermarket and buy all the food. Lambros listened and nodded at all the appropriate places and when we had finished said, ‘my friend, you will have to call me before you come because I will have forgotten everything’. That was when any faith Lambros had in himself began to ebb.

Realising it was futile staying any longer and causing ourselves unnecessary stress, we decided to leave. Despite the fact that the next time we’d see him we’d be bringing 150 people and paying Lambros handsomely for it, he looked at our empty beer bottle and can of Sprite and turned to LB and said, ‘that will be five Europes please’.

(Source: Cyprus Mail)

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