Tales from the Coffeeshop: President’s red line: saving the parasites

THE COMRADE president underlined his unwavering commitment, during his televised news conference on Friday evening, to keep the country on its course to the economic catastrophe he has made the objective of his administration.

Sighs of relief could be heard all over the country, because there had been fears that he might have lost his resolve and bowed to pressure from Brussels to take measures to reduce the wages of the best-paid parasites in the world.

He emphatically assured the public parasites, that they had nothing to fear, because there would be no more tinkering with workers’ rights. As long as he was president their retirement bonus, pensions and salaries would not be touched, “full-stop”. 

And if we ended up having a fiscal deficit of three instead of the 2.5 per cent of GDP as we had promised Brussels, “it is not the end of the world”, the compassionate comrade said, taking a swipe at former finance minister Kikis Kazamias for telling the EU the government would meet this target.

He also had a go at his present Finance Minister Vasos Shiarly for trying to push for measures that neither he nor AKEL approved of. Shiarly, who had been prevented from announcing measures on Thursday, was politically clueless, he said, and would have to wait for the president to decide the timing and nature of the measures.

His swagger was based on the hope that he would find a country to lend the government the money it needed and spare the country entry into a support mechanism. If the search for a loan is unsuccessful he might not be able to keep his promise to the public parasites, and the country might be knocked off its path towards economic catastrophe, but then the EU would be exclusively to blame.

GUESTS at the official dinner for the president of the European Council Herman Van Rompuy were far from impressed with the new functions hall erected in the grounds of the presidential palace so the comrade can entertain the many heads of state who are queuing up to pay him a state visit.

A clinically cold hall that could be rented out for wedding receptions, when the government wants to increase state revenue, it looks a drab place, despite the blinding light reflecting from the bare walls and shiny floor. 

The minimalist decor - there was no blood-stained map of Cyprus with the ‘Den Xechno’ legend on the walls, nor any folk art - is obviously an attempt to show our European sophistication to our important guests. 

But the minimalist-modern aesthetic was ruined by the anachronistic presence at the head table of the Archbishop, who made the gathering look more like a village wedding banquet from the 1950s than a European state dinner. 

SOME guests complained about the menu which was Italian. “We did not expect to be fed badly overcooked ravioli (not the Cypriot type) and tortellini at a Cyprus state banquet,” said one foreign guest asking: “Why did we not have Cyprus food, which is very good?” 

He had a point, but he did not know that our sophisticated comrade hired an Italian-Greek chef, specialising in Italian recipes, to cook for the EU presidency functions. Local food lacks the refinement the Kyproulla presidency wants to convey.

With kleftiko and sheftalia off the state menus and the minimalist décor the presidential dining hall all that remains now is to stop inviting the Archbishop to the official functions for our VIP guests to believe we are Europeans born and bred. 

A REGULAR customer of our establishment, who attended the ‘World War I World War II – 10 years of horror’ symposium, held at the Hilton Hotel on May 23 walked out before the end, feeling ‘horrified and embarrassed’. 

Most of the speakers, who included WWII survivors, legal experts, migrants and academics, were excellent, said our customer, but the questions they were asked by members of the audience were “painfully out of place and small-minded, ignoring the subject of the symposium – the two world’s two most horrific wars that claimed 81 million lives.”

The questions asked by the many teachers in the packed audience were along the following lines: Why am I called an internally displaced person instead of a refugee? Why do illegal immigrants get so many rights at the expense of the Cypriot citizen? Is it a violation of our human rights when the powers that be want to give the Turkish Cypriot minority so much power in a unified Cyprus?

One of the speakers was a survivor of the Auschwitz concentration camp, but members of the audience were not interested in asking her about her traumatic experiences. She had to be asked what she thought of the traumatic experiences of Cypriots, who were subjected to the injustice of being classed as displaced persons rather than as refugees.

A WOMAN teacher was on the verge of hysteria when the moderator failed to give her the right to put a question. She was waving her hands about, huffing and puffing, and eventually attracted the attention of the moderator. 

She calmed down once she was given the right to speak. She thanked the organisers and the legal expert who spoke earlier about human rights. She then informed the audience that she teaches her kids day and night that even third generation (refugees) still had rights. It was unclear whether she was talking about rights to property in the north or the right to a refugee ID card.

What was crystal clear was that we Cypriots are so self-centred we cannot talk about anything other than our rights, even when the topic of discussion is two wars in which 81 million people died, lamented our customer.

THE PERDIKIS party, on Monday, issued a statement, under the headline ‘They Turkified Lefkosia’, calling on the authorities to examine “how and why Ms Zaha Hadid presented on the official website of the architectural contest about the seven most beautiful cities in the world, Lefkosia as a candidate, noting that it was in Turkey?”

Those who were co-operating with Hadid, “in the cementing of Lefkosia, were obliged to give an explanation and make a protest to their associate,” said the statement. Hadid is the architect who has done the plans for Eleftheria Square, and if the bash-patriotic environmentalist who wrote the indignant announcement had half a brain he would have credited her office with knowing that Nicosia was not in Turkey.

Even the website on which the brainless tree-hugger spotted the offending reference - New 7 Wonders Cities - had nothing to do with Hadid’s office.

THE PRO-ACTIVE Mayor of Nicosia, Constantinos Yiorkadjis took the announcement written by the brainless turtle-lover seriously and immediately called Hadid’s office to seek an explanation. He was told that New 7 Wonders Cities website belonged to a company with which Hadid’s office had some co-operation in the past.

Yiorkadjis informed Tass News Agency that he instructed Hadid’s office to tell the company that owned the website to make the necessary corrections. The website now lists the country in which Nicosia is as ‘Cyprus, Turkey’.

FORMER commerce minister Praxoulla Antoniadou, who was sacked by the comrade president in March, has shown there is a lot of truth in the saying, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”.

The fury has been evident ever since the government spokesman untruthfully announced she had submitted her resignation to the comrade president and the latter had magnanimously accepted it. Prax denied she had ever done such a thing, which meant she had been sacked and the spokesman was a liar. 

Since her pseudo-resignation she has been causing trouble for the comrade as well as her successor, Neoclis Sylikiotis whom she branded a ‘super-minister’. She has also signed a letter she sent to the papers a few weeks ago as ‘the non-resigned Minister of Commerce’, which was an indication of real bitterness than of a sense of humour.

PRAX has also filed a recourse at the Supreme Court, questioning the legality of the cabinet reshuffle in which she was unceremoniously dumped by the comrade. 

What is she trying to prove with the legal action? That the president is not allowed to sack a minister on a whim? Or is she hoping that the comrade would be forced to re-instate her if she wins the case.

Ten days ago a hysterical Prax issued a statement claiming communications minister Flournetzos called her lawyer to tell him to withdraw the case against the comrade because there was ‘damning evidence’ that would lead to the ‘embarrassment’ of his client. 

This threat, which Flourentzos defended as friendly advice to a colleague, made her madder and she accused the government of adopting intimidation tactics and of interfering in the course of justice. She may have had a point but she is not going to win any sympathy by reacting like a psycho. All the comrade did was sack her.

THE LEGISLATURE has not yet approved it but the government, in its effort to ingratiate itself to the AKEL-controlled association of owners of small shops, POVEK, has drafted a bill to prevent shops from offering price discounts outside the periods set by the commerce minister. Fines of up to 100 grand could be imposed on offenders.

If the law is passed, shops would be able to have sales only in February and August, or for a few weeks, such as if they are marking a milestone anniversary, after securing permission from the commerce minister. 

The spirit of Soviet economic planning is alive and well in Kyproulla. The bill also permits shops to offer price discounts on two items, after securing ministerial permission, as long as the discount is not advertised in the shop window. What next? A law banning shopping malls from opening every day, because they are taking custom away from the small shops on the high streets? Or better still, the big shops could be forced by law to advertise price increases so that customers would return to the shops of POVEK members.

OUR CARING government is suddenly not so keen to push its demand for an investigation into the portfolios of the banks by the investment management corporation Black Rock, which it had been calling for, on the advice of the man who put the Popular Bank deep in the merde, Andreas Vegnopoulos.

Now it wants the portfolios of the Cypriot banks in Greece only to be investigated by Black Rock. This was because the banks had said if there was to be an investigation of the portfolios of the banks in Cyprus the co-op banks also had to be investigated. The government did not want this to happen at any cost, because the portfolios of AKEL-controlled co-ops are reportedly in worse shape than those of the banks.

This is not something the government wants to become public knowledge which is why it decided that the investigation would take place only in Greece, where the co-ops do not operate.

I MUST say I was shocked to see that the latest issue of the Cyprus Weekly was offering a free glossy magazine celebrating the Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth. 

I thought that a newspaper that regularly features fierce editorial attacks on perfidious Albion, Britain’s duplicity on the Cyprus problem and British pro-Turkish bias would not have been so fond of the Head of the British State, the root cause of all our country’s troubles, to publish a 64-page colour magazine in honour of her 60th anniversary on the throne. 

THE ALLIANCE of the Inbetweeners has been in disarray, after Makis Keravnos rejected its offer to be the presidential candidate. There is a real possibility that the alliance will collapse which would be a shame as the inbetweeners have provided us with a lot of laughs. Meanwhile independent candidate Yiorkos Lillikas told a radio show on Thursday that if he received less than three per cent of the vote in the presidential elections he would leave Kyproulla. But if he receives more than three per cent I will leave Kyproulla.