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By Peter Stevenson MEMBERS of Volunteer Doctors Cyprus have treated around 350 people at their free clinic in Nicosia since it opened three months ago, while two more, one in Paphos and one in Polis are due to open today. Limassol also has a free clinic, which was opened only last month, and plans have been drawn ...
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SOME 10 days ago, foreign minister Ioannis Kasoulides raised expectations by announcing the possibility of a deal with Turkey for the opening of the fenced off area of Famagusta, for the return of its inhabitants. In exchange the Cyprus government would agree to the opening of Tymbou airport to direct flights. ...
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By George Psyllides PRIVATE auditors have expressed doubt the electricity authority (EAC) could be considered a going concern and have asked its board to draft a credible plan to tackle the problem, according to the auditor-general’s 2012 report on the semi-state company. Among other issues, ...
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Cyprus Internet Directory [ Tales from the coffeeshop: Hands off the doctor’s cops ]

Tales from the coffeeshop: Hands off the doctor’s cops


WE WOULD like to make it abundantly clear that although we object in principle to the practice of giving police bodyguards to our leading politicians to use as chauffeurs, errand boys, olive-pickers etc, we fully support the right of Dr Faustus Lyssarides to keep his 11-strong army of servants for as long as he is alive.

It is just a small token of our society’s appreciation for all the sacrifices he has made for us in his long and distinguished political career for which he gave up a thriving medical practice. The pay and the fringe benefits of the political career may have been much better but the job was much more difficult.

As a doctor he just had to save the patient, but as a party leader and House president he had the onerous task of saving the country, something he did with resounding success every time there was a pro-solution epidemic. That we still have a Cyprus Republic that can elect a village idiot for president and provide highly paid employment to Akis Papasavvas, we are indebted to, among others, Dr Faustus.

And the least the Republic could do in recognition of everything he has done for us is not to cut the number of his bodyguards. He might not need their protection, but they make him still feel important, valued and potent which is the least our society could do for a national relic.


AS THERE are fears that our government, under pressure from an ungrateful media, would try to cut down the size of Dr Faustus’ police guard in a devious attempt to belittle him in the eyes of the public, we have decided to undertake a new initiative.

Today we announce the launch of our ‘Save the Lyssarides 11’ campaign. There will be a petition requesting the government does not withdraw a single cop from Dr Faustus’ police guard and we hope to organise a protest march, starting from his summer residence in Prodromos and finishing at police HQ in Nicosia. The slogan will be ‘Hands off the Doctor’s cops.’

If our campaign fails and the guard is reduced there is a plan B. A volunteer service will be set up to preserve the number of guards at 11. Any man can sign up as long as he has an ill-fitting, cheap suit, a gold ring and a thick moustache, to make Dr Faustus feel that he is still being protected by cops from Paphos. Turkish Cypriots need not volunteer.


WHY DOES the justice minister not reduce the comrade’s 100-strong police guard instead of picking on poor old Faustus? Why does the leader of a midget country need more cops protecting him than Chancellor Merkel or President Sarkozy?

The reason is that in our politically backward society, a politician believes that the number of cops he has in his guard directly reflects his status, importance and toughness. It is a macho thing - the more cops he has fussing over him when he goes somewhere, the bigger his dick is perceived by the public, he thinks. His manhood is boosted by the number of cops he has.

This is why the macho Marios Garoyian still has 14 cops to protect him. The comrade who is not very manly – a mummy’s boy who cries in public – needs 100 cops to remind us, that in fact he is the biggest dick in Kyproulla.


I APOLOGISE for the pseudo-psycho-sexual analysis which does not apply to all our politicians. Pragmatic Euroko deputy for instance Nicos Koutsou did not take the two cops offered as bodyguards to his party leader Demetris Syllouris (commendably, he said he did not want them), for macho reasons.

The cops were cheaper labour than illegal immigrants from Pakistan, desperate for work, as they could help out the family business at no cost, when they were not protecting him from potential terrorist threats.

The two cops complained to the police command that back in 2009 Mrs Koutsou ordered them to unload two containers with merchandise imported by the family business, while another time she instructed them to assemble two beds that had to be delivered to Nicosia General Hospital. One day, Mrs Koutsou sent them to a family olive grove in Vryssoules to pick olives.

At least the Koutsou cops were made to do some productive work. What do Garoyian’s 14 cops do all day apart from scratching their balls and playing tavli?


THE WIDOWS of presidents are also entitled to police bodyguards. Mrs Ethnarch has two because she is obviously a target of criminal elements. Mrs Kyprianou meanwhile only had one cop and when Spy Kyp retired government made alternative arrangements. 

According to Politis, the Council of Ministers decided to give the Kyp family an allowance of €1,400 per month so Mrs Kyp could pay someone to drive her around.

I never expected the Kyp family to have so little class. Mrs Kyp is still collecting her late hubby’s huge pension, her sons are both well off, but she still demands that the taxpayer pays so she could have a chauffeur on stand-by?

Why doesn’t she use public transport, which is free for pensioners, if she cannot afford a cab? I cannot understand why we should pay for the wealthy Mrs Kyp to be chauffeured around town. Why doesn’t Marcos drive his mum where she wants to go now he is unemployed with nothing to do and help reduce the budget deficit?


STATE primary school teachers are fast becoming even more unlikeable than PASYDY’s public parasites. They have been sulking and feeling sorry for themselves ever since the announcement of the government’s measures that marginally reduced their take-home pay by making them contribute towards their pension and social insurance fund.

They have implemented a work-to-rule in response, refusing to do the kids’ rehearsals for the annual Christmas play, which means no play this December (surely a relief for many parents, even though all parents associations have been complaining). They also refuse to attend teacher training courses, which the AG saw as a breach of discipline justifying punitive measures. 

When this was pointed out to the teachers’ union POED by the education ministry perm sec, it became even more militant, not only refusing to back down but promising to step up its measures. One of the measures would be to not teach kids the whole alphabet. They would leave out four letters, although the POED executive has not yet decided which letters would be axed.


FINANCE minister Kikis Kazamias was given a brotherly bollocking by Economic and Monetary Affairs Commissioner Olli Rehn at a meeting in Brussels last Tuesday over the government’s failure to reduce the budget deficit and tackle the problems of public finances.

Speaking on a radio show the following morning he announced that he would prepare a third package of measures. It was clear that his second package was deemed inadequate by Rehn. On Thursday he saw the comrade to discuss what should be done and the AKEL propaganda machine started promoting the need for taxes on the rich.

The only solution is to cut the public sector pay-roll, but union bosses made it clear, after agreeing to the small pay cuts in the second package of measures, that their members would not be making any more ‘sacrifices’. Primary teachers, meanwhile have said they will stage a one-day strike on the day the package containing the cuts was approved by the legislature.

To make matters worse, the comrade president said on Wednesday that no new measures would be taken without the consent of the unions. However Kikis insisted on Friday that the new measures would be announced in the next few days. How would he secure the consent of the union bosses, who have vowed not to make any more sacrifices, in a few days?

I can only guess that the third package would consist of new or higher taxation and not touch the blood-sucking rights of the parasitic classes.


NO DEADLINE had been set for the peace talks, government spokesman Stef-Stef insisted this week, indirectly calling Ban ki Moon who spoke of an ‘end-game’, a liar. His comrade boss also repeated his favourite catch-phrase – “there are no asphyxiating time-frames”, assuring us again that there was no danger of the talks leading anywhere.

Meanwhile Wednesday’s National Council meeting discovered that the members did not know what a bi-zonal, bi-communal federation (BBF) would involve, even though it had been the subject of negotiations between the two sides for 34 years. Dr Faustus proposed that the party leaders should sit and discuss what type of BBF they would accept. He wants the BBF to have a provision allowing him to keep his 11 cops otherwise it would have to be rejected.

The garrulous Garoyian, came up with an even more ingenious suggestion on Wednesday – comrade Tof should turn down Ban’s invitation to attend the make-or-break meeting in the Big Apple in January. All he had to do was to call Ban and tell him: ‘I don’t want to play peace talks anymore because Garoyian gave me a better game for Christmas.’    


THE DREAM of a socialist society in which everyone will have a house, a job, free education, free healthcare, a free Filippino maid, early retirement, more leisure time and above all ‘certainty about tomorrow’ has not died.

It remains the ultimate goal of Kyproulla’s commies, as Yiannakis Colocassides, a member of the politburo of the central committee of AKEL, said in his speech at Monday’s party gathering celebrating the Great October Revolution, which ensured the inhuman oppression of people in the Soviet Union for 70 years and Eastern Europeans for 45.

Colocassides, standing in front of a big portrait of Lenin, slammed the “neo-liberal apologists of capitalism” and spoke about the “world crisis of capitalism, the biggest encountered by this inhuman and exploitative system which is passing like a steamroller over peoples and the workers”.

It was rousing stuff, which led to the following inescapable conclusion, at least in Colocassides’ mind: “Only when the world’s wealth becomes the ownership of all people would the sufferings of humanity end. And this means socialism.”

The question is why the commies do not make Kyproulla’s wealth the ownership of the people and thus end the sufferings of humanity on this troubled island? His party is running the country and has the power to abolish the inhuman and exploitative capitalist system right now. And there would be no need for a third package of measures if socialism is introduced and we all become public employees.


TWO WEEKS ago, a Turkish lady commenting on the Cyprus Mail website, posted the following comment to defend her argument: “Netherlands occupy Antilles, Australians exterminate the Aubergines, English occupies Falklands and never go back.” In another post, related to the same article, she added: “So according to your logic, Americans should return USA to Indians or Australians return Australia to the Aubergines.”  

Aubergines were the indigenous population of Australia and were eaten up by the first white settlers, Big Bad Al’s forefathers. They are not to be confused with Aborigines which are also known as egg-plants and are widely used in Greek, Arab and Italian cuisines.


EVERYONE is expressing their disgust for the Larnaca gynaecologist who was allegedly drugging women and having sex with them. Apparently he told one woman, who gave a statement to the cops, that the anaesthetic she would be under might make her feel sexual ecstasy. We were thinking at our establishment what would happen if the genders were reversed and a female doctor was drugging male patients and having sex with them? Would any man who caught her on top of him report her to the police? Of course not, he would tell his mates and the female doctor’s waiting room would always be full.


THANKS for all the suggestions regarding the Coffeeshop’s name-change. Here are some of suggestions we received: ‘Who gives a f**k’, ‘Who gives a s**t’, ‘The world according to my barber’, ‘The silence of the sheep’, ‘Refugee mothers make better lovers’, ‘Garoyian is great’, ‘Tales from the cabaret’. There were also several Turkish suggestions – ‘Sikkime’ ‘Besh tamboura dordokka’ ‘Ekmek kateif’- which cannot be used for obvious reasons. From the Cypriot vernacular we had ‘angouri tou ppingou’, ‘o xipetsismenos kourkoutas’ and ‘apparos me ti vakla’, all of which are inappropriate for a family newspaper.  


(Source: Cyprus Mail)
Copyright © Cyprus Mail 2008 Please contact Cyprus Mail for the copyright terms of this article.

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